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PS 3525 
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1917 
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Copyrighted 1917 

By Bert Moses 

576 Fifth Avenue 

New York 



The only thing actually required 
of a writer is to be understood. 
Syntax and prosody don't count. 



Moses 

in 

Paragraphs 



By 
Bert Moses 



Written by One Who 

Does Not Take Life Too Seriously, and Intended 

For People Not Fastidious About 

Addisonian English. 



Printed for the Author by 

The Roycrofters, at their Shop, 

which is in East Aurora, 

State of New York, 

in the year 1917. 



/^^ 






A writer's ability is measured, not 
by the number of words he gets 
out of a gallon of ink, but by the 
intellectual mileage he covers. 



M -2IS18 
'CU479765 



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MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



HE problem of the world is to shift 
Heaven nearer the Equator and Hell 
S27 nearer the North Pole. 



The idea of promoting a hair-grower 
seizes you mightily when you go into a 
gallery and look down. 



Crowds and coin go together. Ask Billy 
Sunday how to separate them. 



Seriousness is all right, but for God's 
sake laugh once in a while. 



« 



A Mormon is a man who over-estimates 
his capacity. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



SALOON-KEEPERS and dogs should 
' not feel humiliated because they have 
to be licensed. The same distinction applies 
to doctors and lawyers. 



What a scurrying to cover there will be 
when it is made a jail offense to be a false 
and fraudulent Congressman! 



^ 



Every woman is peculiar to herself. The 
same brand of hot air does n't always go. 



n 



The man who invented cigarettes got his 
idea from a polecat. 



Never mind the label — examine the goods. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



FASHION names the color of your socks 
and the hang of your pants, yet many 
of the great men in history went through 
Hfe without either. 



** Truth ** is as elastic a word as ** soup,** 
of which Heinz and Campbell make many 
varieties. 



Pick for a wife a woman whose complexion 
is the work of God and not of a paint-brush. 

Big men are seldom alike, but little folks 
are very much the same. 



q 



Tombstones are monuments to the futility 
of medicine. 



10 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



ABOUT the only thing you can do today 
without violating a law is to breathe. 
Thank God that Congress has kept its hands 
off the ozone! 



No matter which path you take — whether 
osteopath, homeopath or allopath — it leads 
but to the grave. 

A big advertisement does not add to the 
value of anything, but often adds to its cost. 



f 



When you succeed, you are a wise guy, 
and when you fail, you are a dub. 



Culture rusts commonsense like water 
rusts steel. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 11 

THE only difference between the thief and 
the deadhead is this: One takes from 
you when you don't know it, and the other 
when you do. 



Men who play their honesty up in the 
headlines can be counted upon to hide their 
crookedness in the small type that follows. 



What boots it what remedy you take so 
long as you get well ? 



Businessmen who go into the newspapers 
go ahead of those who stay out. 

f 

The penalty for knocking is to be knocked. 



12 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

WHEN I believe I am right, I do not 
give so much as one-fourth of one 
per cent of a continental dam whether others 
agree with me or not. 

Sing Sing is populated by people who 
thought they could ** get away with it,'* 
but did n*t. 



If there is any better remedy for sickness 
than behaving yourself, I do not know what 
it is. 



g 



Most things have their ups and downs, 
but with taxes there is nothing but ups. 



Honesty pays because dishonesty does n't. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 13 

WHEN you get to the Pearly Gates, a 
letter of recommendation from your 
hired help will carry more weight than a 
letter from your preacher. 

Next to a dress that fits in the back, 
nothing pleases a woman like a fake bargain 
sale. 



An advertisement that sells goods is a 
good advertisement, even though its gram- 
mar be bad. 

Don't go so far with your fearlessness that 
you become a fool. 



n 



It is the hang-over of the cocktail that 
hurts. 



14 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

rlE. worst form of deliberate despotism is 
represented by the man who beats you 
to the toilet-room in the morning and locks 
the door. 

Many of us escape jail because the police 
don*t know a lot of things about us that we 
know about ourselves. 

Quite a few men can put a thing across 
once, but men who can do it twice are the 
folks for me. 



Cannibals eat their enemies, while civi- 
lized people shoot them and let them rot. 



^ 



The world is full of earnest people who are 
headed the wrong way. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 15 



IF the American Medical Association had 
been in existence at the time, it would 
have haled Jesus before a justice of the peace 
for practising without a license. 



We are all dam fools a part of the time. 
All we can do is try to reduce the frequency 
of the attacks. 



The presents you get on your birthday do 
not compensate for the increase in your age. 



To editors: Why not devote more space 
to facts and less to headlines? 



The thing to do when a fact appears is to 
look it squarely in the eye. 



16 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

SOCIETY consists largely of much paint 
and powder and little wearing apparel, 
thus exhibiting a marked disproportion of 
color to cover. 

Advertising is the gentle art of annexing 
the other fellow's coin without the assistance 
of a dark-lantern and a jimmy. 

Keep your eyes upon the obscure man 
intent on a new idea. It is he who has ever 
jarred the world out of the ruts. 



How much worse the itch would be if you 
could not scratch ! 

Shun that man who commercializes his 
virtues. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 17 



THE world is full of experts who can not 
tell an economic thesis from a kippered 
herring or a fundamental principle from a 
cold fried egg. 

The Church undertakes to fix you up for 
the Next World, while Advertising fixes you 
up for This. 



A bad habit sticks as tightly as the 
drawers in a cheap bureau on a damp day. 



The more you drink to the health of 
others, the more you injure your own. 



Investigate all you please, but don't be 
snooper. 



v/^ 



18 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

IT is well to put some trust in God, but the 
more you put in yourself, the higher will 
the world rate you, including both Bradstreet 
and Dun. 

The accumulation of more gold than we 
need is not a recommendation for an 
orchestra chair in Heaven. 



€ 



Do not strike the boss for a raise the 
morning after a stag party. 



A gentleman is a man who never claims 
to be one. 



Many men who talk truth do not tell it. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 19 



I SOMETIMES wonder why business is 
considered so honorable when it consists 
of nothing more than seUing things for more 
than they cost. 



That man is a genius who can, by adver- 
tising, convert a dollar's worth of plain oats 
into fifty dollars* worth of breakfast food. 

<i 

Kelly pool does not aid muscular develop- 
ment so much as beating a rug or carrying 
out the ashes. 



Just about the time your hair stops grow- t / 
ing, your waist-line begins. 

Truth is seated in the heart— not in the 
mouth. 



20 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



IF children were taught how to keep their 
stomachs in good order as carefully as 
they are taught grammar, the world would 
be better off. 



« 



The increase in rubbernecks keeps pace 
with the tendency to cut shirt waists lower 
and lower, and skirts higher and higher. 

Things in a bottle are overrated — whether 
they come from a drugstore or a booze- 
bazaar. 

How fortunate for the fish that most 
fishermen jerk their poles too soon! 

When taking castor-oil, take enough. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 21 

YOU get the same exercise with an ax 
that you get with a golf-stick, and you 
get a pile of wood for your efforts. Throw 
away your golf-sticks and try an ax! 



There is a good opening for a school to 
teach us how to get more of the gravy into 
our mouths and less on our vests. 

«i 

If we can't be decent without codes of 
ethics, we can't be with them. 



Fashions may come and fashions may go, 
but tailors* bills run on forever. 

A cocktail lifts you up gently, but sets 
you down hard. 



22 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

HE chief mission of a banquet is to 
encourage the distiUing industry and 
supply an excuse for not showing up at the 
office next day. 



When you come to touch the Uve wire of 
Love, you will discover that experience 
differs widely from hearsay. 



<i 



The names that loom largest in history are 
names that stand for freedom and liberty. 



One Paradise today is better than two 
Paradises tomorrow. 



There are more fake reformers than there 
are fakirs. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 23 

THE trouble with quite a few women is 
that they carry more notions on their 
heads than in them. That is to say, they 
display more millinery than mind. 

The things we don't know and never can 
know are legion, while the things we do 
know are as few as Irishmen in Jerusalem. 



A fine future lies before the man who is 
sole proprietor and executor without bond 
of his own intellect. 

A lot of men earn $10 a week, while a few 
men get $1 ,000 a week without earning it. 



With coal at $12 a ton, think of the fuel- 
bill in hell! 



24 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

THE day is coming when the doctor who 
does not pay for his advertising will be 
looked upon as a man who has nothing 
worthy to sell. 

Find me a woman who tells the truth 
about her age, and I will find you a fisher- 
man who tells the actual weight of his catch. 



The idea is abhorrent that a man can 
keep opinions out of a newspaper by putting 
ads in it. 

f 

To be able to tell a big thing from a little 
thing is the distinguishing mark of greatness. 



All is not lost when you lose your credit — 
you can go to work for a living. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 25 

THE time to buy is when prices are down, 
and the time to sell is when prices are 
up, but few who go into Wall Street seem 
to know this. 

n 

Many laws are not intended for the good 
of the public, their chief end being to supply 
fees to disputatious lawyers. 



It is one of the eternal verities that when 
you pay a cheap price, you carry away a 
cheap package. 

Don't put undue faith in a man who talks 
about a thing, but does not work at it. 

Love is very fine until you get more of it 
than you can use. 



26 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

THE turning point in every man*s life 
comes when he begins to think of em- 
ploying others instead of looking for others 
to employ him. 

^ 

What you hand the other fellow will in 
turn be handed to you, it being merely a 
question of time. 

Nature has the correspondence school 
beaten a block in producing smart people. 



Moral suasion may work occasionally 
with a mule, but never with a benzine buggy. 



n 



Carrying out the ashes in Hades must be a 
real man's job. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 27 

THANK God for the few men who do 
not ** conform." All the progress the 
world has ever made traces straight to them 
— and ever will. 

Language is used by some men to say 
something, and by other men to make a 
noise with. 



It is difficult to determine whether women's 
dresses are intended to conceal or reveal 
their figures. 

How fortunate for the lawyers that so 
many people want revenge ! 



Law never changed a man's religious 
belief and never will. 



^y' 



28 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

THERE is keener joy in making your 
own living than in inheriting a Uving 
from your forebears, but you have to try 
both ways to find it out. 

I know of no waste quite so conspicuous 
as that exhibited by a pretty woman when 
she kisses a small boy. 



A great many people go into church for 
the business they can get out of it. 



Advertisers are not made in colleges, but 
in shirt-sleeves and overalls. 

n 

The truth that hurts most is the best 
truth of all. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 29 



^T^THAT is so pathetic as the man beck- 
▼ ▼ ohing the undertaker with nothing 
accompHshed during Hfe but the accumula- 
tion of dollars and dividends? 



There are two periods in a woman's life 
when she is hard to understand — before you 
marry her and after. 



You can work yourself out of a job easier 
than you can work yourself in. 



f 



A man does fairly well if he succeeds in 
being 5 1 per cent good. 



Love, like an automobile, needs two brakes. 



30 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

IF you want to pass along sweet satisfac- 
tion and solace to a woman, tell her her 
dress fits perfectly across the shoulders and 
over the hips. 

I 
Any man who regulates his morals by 
rules he reads in a book has n't got any 
morals. 



Three men can discuss a thing to death 
while one man alone is putting it across. 



\^ 



^ 



If you want people to believe you are 
honest, do not be too noisy about it. 



f 



The cost of living is what you make it — / 
and no more. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 31 



THE men most to be relied upon are those 
who confess that they know Httle, but 
what they do know is the result of their 
own experience. 

Fortunate beyond calculation is that boy 
who comes out of college with as much 
commonsense as he had when he went in. 

When a man blows about his honesty, I 
feel safer if there is a cop in the neighbor- 
hood. 

When a man has more education than he 
can use, he becomes a nuisance. 

Take off the wrapper and look inside — 
the outside does n*t count. 



32 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

IT was once thought that men who wear 
the ermine are better than men who 
don*t, but this is now generally recognized 
as not being true. 



You get at a man's real character only 
when you systematically come in contact 
with his pocketbook. 



f 



People who outlive their ignorance, suc- 
ceed; those who don't, don't. 



n 



Big events rarely come to pass because of 
ethics, but in spite of it. 



There are a great many decent people 
besides you and me. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 33 



IN looking for a man to run the business 
when you are away, do not pick one who 
is unduly anxious about harmony between 
his necktie and socks. 



If you have a hiatus in your head, you 
had better put in a screen to keep out the 
bats. 



^ 



Money that you earn buys joy, while 
money that you don't earn, don*t. 



The quickest way to lose a friend is to 
touch him for a ten. 



Quarreling is all right providing you put 
it off until tomorrow. 



34 MOSES IN PARAGRAPH S 

^O as you please, and think as you please, 
and say what you please, so long as you 
observe the recognized common decencies 
of your fellow men. 

Walking is good exercise when you practise 
it out of doors and not around a billiard 
table. 



I hate a lawsuit as much as a pure-food 
convention hates benzoate of soda. 



q 



Some little fellows have an awful big 
punch — for instance, the Corsican. 



fl 



Among liars, the honest man stands out 
like Roosevelt at a convention. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 35 



YOU can not judge a watch by its case, 
a book by its binding or a woman by 
her apparel. Always and forever the things 
that don*t show determine value. 



Men are essentially honest and truthful in 
the mass, and the percentage of deliberate 
liars is low. 



Everything has to work out its own sal- 
vation — even the fly from the maggot. 



I '11 tell you what Truth is: It is sticking 
to Facts and saying only what is so. 



If you are smart, be patient — people will 
find it out all right. 



36 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

BEHIND every big accomplishment there 
is always one big man. The rest of the 
crowd are only foothills at the base of the 
mountain peak. 

Keep your eye off the clock, and the boss 
will say the right word to the cashier about 
your pay-envelope. 

You can generally spot a liar by the vocif er- 
ousness with which he proclaims his honesty. 



Don't confuse success with money — the 
world's greatest men were poor. 



Ask yourself tonight if you are ashamed of 
anything you did today. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 37 

IF you think too much about grammar in 
writing, the chances are you won't say 
much of anything, even though you say it 
faultlessly. 

Grammar is something that always gets 
in your way when you want to say what you 
think. 



Going from public school to a job is pref- 
erable to going from private school to college. 



Banish every thought of money for one 
whole day, and it will be a day of happiness. 



Feed the hungry man first, and ask his 
pedigree later on. 



38 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

ANY enterprise nowadays — ^whether relig- 
ious, commercial or otherwise — which 
leaves woman off the Board of Directors, is 
apt to be wobbly in the spine. 



It is good to drink whiskey occasionally, 
because you then know how much better 
you feel when you leave it alone. 



It consoles us a little to remember that 
other folks have troubles worse than our own. 

Fifty-one per cent of our habits are bad, 
and the other forty-nine per cent stupid. 



Do not dig up the past of the man or / 
woman who is decent now. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 39 



DIPLOMACY is the fine art of getting 
your laundry from a Chinaman when 
you have lost the ticket. 



The final test of honesty comes when you 
have a chance to get rid of a plugged dime, 
but don't. 



Don*t hit until you have to — then hit 
hard and be done with it. 



f 



Bulk is not so vital in a book as caloric, 
amperes and ohms. 



n 



Be on the level, and great will be your \/ 
reward. 



40 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



IN order that a few people may do no 
work, it is necessary for many people to 
do a lot of work. 



A man's charity is not to be measured by 
what he gives, but by what he has left after 
V giving. 



Science is simply common knowledge 
hand- tooled, sandpapered and manicured. 



If you are an acorn, do not try to be an 
oak tree too soon. 

f 

Flaunted virtue is vice hidden behind a 
noise. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 41 



IT is difficult to say who is most interested 
in the death notices — the undertaker or 
the lawyer. 



n 



The dividing line between the close 
observer and the rubberneck has not yet 
been defined by the Ladies' Home Journal. 



f 



To acquire friends is not difficult, but to 
acquire distinguished enemies calls for genius. 



f 



The man who does n't make his own relig- 
ion has n't got any. 



f 



An honest man lays no claim to the title- 
he just IS. 



42 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



DEEP and lasting is the gratitude you 
feel to the man who steers you to a 
drink on a Sunday in a tight town. 



What money the doctors do not take 
away from you before you die the lawyers 
get after the event. 



If you want people to think you are smart, 
tell them things they already know. 



As between an artist's women and God*s 
women, give me God*s. 



Even the wisest men are ** suckers ** for 
somebody. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 43 



TO be deceived occasionally is a sweet 
privilege, for thus may you avoid being 
the same kind of a dam fool twice. 



Persistency is a cardinal virtue — the one 
needful thing to get your name on the sign 
in front of the store. 



Truth slips from your grasp just when you 
think you have a firm hold upon it. 



^ 



Men who ** come back '* are men who 
never really went away. 



^ 



Progress sometimes consists in going back 
and starting over. 



44 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

SOME men prefer to scratch, because 
scratching is easier than going after 
them with a fine comb. 



All attempts to produce genius by chart, 
compass and card systems have not yet 
increased the visible supply. 



It is quite as important to be honest your- 
self as to require honesty from others. 



<i 



A patriot may be noisy, but it is not noise 
that makes him a patriot. 



§ 



You can not make yourself good by calling 
other people bad. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 45 

SUCCESS is something distinct and sepa- 
rate from dollars. Most men who have 
run up great scores were poor. 



The policeman's billy does not change 
human nature, but the world has not yet 
found it out. 



No man is so deadly dull as he who does 
nothing to which objection can be taken. 



No man ever achieves greatness until his 
enemies outnumber his friends. 



§ 



Success is individual — nothing but the 
man himself counts. 



46 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

MOST reforms are all right, but many 
reformers themselves should be doing 
sixty days on the Island. 



The knowledge most men possess is second- 
hand, and such knowledge rarely boosts its 
possessor to the Board of Directors. 



I would rather have a little money that I 
earned than a lot of money that I did n't. 



CI 



A man may be altogether honest, and 
still be a hopeless boob. 



^ 



It is a great thing to get there before you 
start. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 47 

GREAT speed is not necessary to Fame. 
Read in your Bible about that 40-year 
trip through the Wilderness. 



Modesty may be a virtue, but merit that 
vaunts itself occasionally is what makes 
entries in your bank-book. 



Every man has his eye on the main chance, 
no matter where destiny places him. 



^ 



Where there is a surplus of noise, there is 
sure to be a paucity of sense. 



Ethics, like love, is a very nice thing until 
you get too much of it. 



48 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



/^ REAT is the joy of the fat lady when 
^^ she gets on the scales and finds she 
is losing flesh! 



The Gift of Grip — the taking hold and 
holding fast to the end — this is the token of 
success — there is no other test. 

Whenever you want to queer a thing, 
refer it to a committee. 

Besides being the finest of all indoor 
sports, sleep is free. 

A wart does n*t matter much so long as it 
does not show. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 49 



MEN generally are not so bad nor women 
generally quite so good as common 
report has it. 



Knowledge proceeds from doing the thing 
— not from memorizing something out of a 
book. 



The man who carries scars can give you 
sounder advice than the man who does n't. 



f 



Blessed is that man whose percentage of 
commonsense runs up into the nineties. 



^ 



Wise is the guy who can tell people things 
he does n't know and get paid for it. 



50 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

YOU will never know what Life is until 
you have been both bitterly reviled 
and deeply beloved. 

f 

Brains are a birthday present. You can't 
take them away from college unless you 
take them with you when you go in. 

Successful advertising is the fine art of 
doing the thing as others have not done it. 



You can spout and shout about truth, but 
that does not make you a truthful man. 



§ 



No worthy cause is ever harmed by hear- 
ing the other side. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 51 

YOU can not accurately judge the im- 
portance of a factory by the noise of 
its whistle. 

<i 

The token of wisdom is to establish a 
working agreement between the brain and 
the mouth. 



f 



No writer or artist can be brilliant except 
upon occasion, when the voltage is just right. 



fl 



What makes money valuable is the fact 
that a lot of folks have n't got any. 



Truth can never be fixed by resolution nor 
determined by a committee. 



52 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

MAN sprang from monkeys all right, but 
the distance covered did not break 
any records. 



The only work that wears and tires is the 
work that leaves no thrill of joy when the 
day is done. 



Doctors will never pay for advertising so 
long as newspapers hand it to them free. 



It is a mighty fine thing to forget the other 
fellow and center upon yourself. 



Look out for the guy who displays his 
morals in the show window. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 53 



YOU had better enjoy life while you have 
it'. You can never get away from this 
world and take it along. 



§ 



Knowledge garnered from experience is 
the kind of knowledge that gets your name 
on the letterhead. 



Be just as truthful as you know how, but 
for the sake of self-respect don't boast of it. 



Reputation proceeds from but one cause, 
and that is by deserving it. 



^ 



Be an individual — there is so little compe- 
tition. 



54 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



SOME men attend conventions to improve 
their knowledge, but most men go to 
improve their opportunities. 



^ 



Men who make laws are not quite so 
important to the world as men who make 
business. 



f 



What this country needs is birth control 
of bedbugs and bull-con. 



Honesty and truthfulness are never genu- 
ine when exploited. 



Bumps are what you need to get there- 
not books. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 55 



LAUGH when you lose, be modest when 
you win, do the best you can, and let 
it go at that. 



^ 



Riches are largely a matter of conscience. 
Great wealth comes from squeezing pennies 
from the poor. 



No matter what kind of medicine you take, 
the undertaker will get you anyhow. 



Success comes from what you do^ — not 
from what you memorize. 



n 



All women are charming, even though 
many are not clever. 



56 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

BEFORE blaming the man who stumbles, 
you better look what sort of burden 
he has on his back. 

One-half the world thinks the other half 
is trying to steal its money — and generally 
it is. 

f 

The most satisfying and healthful indoor 
sport is exercising the intellect. 



^ 



Get your brain hitting on all its cylinders 
before you begin to think. 



€ 



Advertising is the art of handling truth 
with variations. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 57 



THE Christianity of Christ and the mad 
Dash after Dollars are not chemical 
affinities — really they will not mix. 



To take ** bargains ** away from a woman 
is the same as taking water away from a 
duck. 



n 



The dullness of a man's intellect can often 
be judged by the brilliance of his necktie. 

No one ever does anything big unless he 
does it exactly as he pleases. 



f 



Outside of the experience, there is little in 
getting soused. 



58 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



MOST lawyers are dam glad to get the 
job, no matter which side of the case 
is offered them. 



Anger gets you nowhere except to a 
sanitarium. Many doctors thrive because 
many people get mad. 



The things that can not be taught out of 
books are the things that put you ** next.*' 



f 



A kick from the rear does not rank so high 
in reform tactics as a pat on the shoulder. 



Liars supply the necessary background to 
make Honesty conspicuous. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 59 



ANY one can buy advertising, but the 
genius is he who has pubUcity cast upon 
him without price. 



Fame and reputation flow to the lawyer in 
proportion as he succeeds in keeping crim- 
inals out of jail. 



The world is redeemed by men and women 
whose brains do not think in a rut. 



Ethical codes die, like men, and decency 
demands their burial. 



Truth is not true until it is carried out into 
decimals. 



60 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



DO not attempt to knock the ball over the 
fence when a single is all that is needed 
to bring in the winning run. 



It is an axiom in business, I believe, that 
you do not get any profit when you sell a 
thing for less than it cost you. 



Any fool can join an Ad Club, but it takes 
a man with brains to be an advertiser. 



Great men do not really begin to live until 
after they are dead. 



To yell honesty is not so impressive as to 
practise honesty. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 61 



WHAT the world needs is not human 
machines and more product, but 
human happiness and better product. 



C 



The man intent on getting the law on his 
neighbor is preparing for his neighbor to get 
the law on him. 



Up to date, all attempts to create news by 
using big type have resulted in failure. 



Caution does n*t count unless you know 
when to toss it aside and plunge. 



It is sad but true that bad things are more 
'* catching ** than good. 



62 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



PIE difference between Facts and Con- 
versation seems so small that most of 
us don't see it. 



^ 



How unfortunate that many speakers do 
not know the difference between oratory 
and noise! 



The only writers who ** write themselves 
out " are the writers who write what is not so. 



« 



It is not what you get, but what you 
expect to get, that makes Life worth while. 



Nothing is free — not even salvation or 
trading-stamps. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 63 



THE happiest hours are at the evening 
fireside when a man relates his day's 
triumph to his family. 



f 



Virtue stands out more boldly when there 
is a background of vice to stipply the needed 
contrast. 



Many laws are introduced and passed by 
people who want revenge. 



Intelligence can never be extracted from 
a brain that possesses it not. 



The only way to arrive is to start and keep 
going on. 



64 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

TRY being a highlight part of the time 
only. You have got to be a shadow once 
in a while so the highlights will show. 

A Good Reputation is a thing of slow 
growth, while a Bad Reputation may come 
between darkness and daylight. 



Deep thought and stupidity are much 
alike, except that they are very different. 



The man who wants war never seems to 
realize that he can get it bi^ joining the army. 

Economy is a virtue and waste is wicked- 
ness. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 65 



POVERTY is a blessing in this respect: 
You may experience the supreme joy of 
doing your own work. 



q 



A careful search of the records goes to 
show that " chewing the rag " can not be 
depended upon to change results. 



Law-makers seem to create more trouble 
than they correct. 



The only things you can never get too 
much of are facts. 



Beware of the man who uses his honesty 
as fly-paper. 



66 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

BEATEN paths are for the Lilliputs. 
Climb the fence and cut across if you 
ever expect to ** arrive.** 



The cry is for men who can do things — for 
men who are neither echoes nor rubber 
stamps. 



An abiUty and a desire to render a useful 
service are the only tests of respectability. 



It is quite as important to be honest your- 
self as to require honesty from others. 



Guilt is almost as immune as innocence if 
you have the price in your clothes. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 67 



THE rewards awaiting the honest poHti- 
cian are priceless, but none has yet 
appeared to collect the prize. 



There is nothing finer in the whole category 
of existence than the Woman Who Works. 
No, I did n't say with her tongue. 



The number of drug-stores is in inverse 
ratio to the number of woodpiles. 



Living on a small salary is an easy task 
because so many of us do it. 



q 



A little science and a lot of sweat make a 
great combination. 



68 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

13EF0RE arriving anywhere it is always 
*^ necessary to start, but this rather 
important point is frequently overlooked. 

A cocktail lifts you up for one hour, but it 
takes many hours to recover from the jar 
you get when you hit the ground. 



Before you tell your boss to go to hell, be 
reasonably sure he will stand for it. 



The things that kill genius are rules and 
regulations. 



f 



Don't let anybody clip the wings of your 
ideas. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 69 

IF you have never made a serious mistake, 
the chances are you have never done 
anything worth while. 



Three words constitute the only code of 
Ethics that mankind needs — The Golden 
Rule. 



Language is a means many people adopt to 
tell things which they do not know. 



It is a great gift to be able to distinguish 
between truth and a jumble of words. 



A boss is as necessary in promoting good 
as in promoting evil. 



70 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

SO long as Fashion and Hygiene are at 
odds, the medical ** perfesh *' will con- 
tinue to collect the coin. 



The greatest crime is idleness, and when 
the human parasite is eliminated the millen- 
nium will be just around the corner. 



Brevity is all right, provided you don't 
stop before you are through. 



n 



Language is the greatest force in the world 
— except Love. 



Nature plays no favorites, and neither 
does God. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 71 

SO much depends upon the choice of 
parents that children should be taught 
the importance of wise selection. 



To bestow a swift kick or give a piece of 
silver — there lies the art of determining 
values. 



Troubles that don't happen worry you 
more than those that do. 



f 



Nature is lavish in the production of 
everything but great men. 



No one will believe in you until you 
believe in yourself. 



72 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



HEALTH is somewhat more important 
than pleasure, but quite a few folks 
do not recognize this as being so. 



The trouble about what the world calls 
** success " is that you have to be a hog to 
attain it. 



In heaven's name, be Somebody, but to be 
Somebody you must Be Yourself. 



A low price and a bargain are radically 
different propositions. 



^ 



If you want to go fast, do not be in too 
much of a hurry. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 73 

GREAT men are those who do one thing 
big enough to divert attention from 
their many mistakes. 



If you do not want to ** travel on the rim " 
after you are forty, you 'd better take care 
of your tires before you are forty. 



n 



Some one may have said it before, but 
nothing except honesty ever wins out. 



Even Diogenes lacked the nerve to look 
for an honest lawyer. 



There is only one real excuse for War, and 
that is Peace. 



74 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

THE first date on a man's tombstone is 
fixed by his parents, but the last date 
is largely fixed by himself. 

Nothing pleases a man more than dis- 
covering a new way to comb his hair so that 
the bald spot will be less conspicuous. 

The original man is he who knows how to 
** swipe '* and change the setting of the gem. 



A plated thing does not wear well, whether 
it be a piece of jewelry or a reputation. 



^ 



What you do is not half so important as 
doing what you do do well. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 75 



W 



ISE is he who knows when he has 
enough, and works hard the rest of 
his Hfe not to get more. 



Q 



Things that you think you want are often 
things that you don't want after you get 
them. 

Some folks could n't see an opportunity if 
it came down Broadway carrying a red flag. 



One advantage of a trip across the ocean 
is that you don't pass any tombstones. 



n 



The only man worth while is the man who 
is intent on his job. 



76 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

YOU can never deliver what you have n't 
got. Take an inventory before sending 
for the express- wagon. 



Trying to get something for nothing 
usually results in this: You give more than 
you get. 



People who look to doctors for good health 
have their eyes turned in the wrong direction. 



To master the art of Doing Things, you 
first must master the art of Hurrying Slowly. 



History repeats, but usually at a time 
when you have no bet up. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 77 

YOUR importance in the world is judged 
by the character and the number of 
your enemies. 

If you can not work more today than 
yesterday, work better, and the score will 
stand as high. 



The wearing of whiskers is no longer con- 
sidered essential to the possession of wisdom. 



§ 



The real hero is he who plays dice with 
Death when he knows the dice are loaded. 



n 



Honesty that has never been sorely tested 
really does n*t count. 



78 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

LADIES intent upon regaining Youth 
would do well to use their minds more 
and their cosmetics less. 

Neither a whistle nor a clock is needed to 
tell the worthy man when to go to work or 
when to quit. 

Law is founded upon precedent, whether 
there be justice in the precedent or not. 



The further away you keep from a drug- 
store, the nearer you keep to health. 

The things that cost you most are the 
things you get for nothing. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 79 

THE first step to secure the loyal services 
of an employee is to sacredly keep all 
promises you make him. 

The unselfish man is an inspiring subject 
to talk about, but if you want to work up 
an appetite, go out and find him. 



Brains count for more than long hair and a 
big necktie in making an artist. 



Everything about the automobile has 
been improved but the smell. 



^ 



Kindness is always in order, but where 
kindness fails, try a kick. 



80 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

YOU will never amount to much until you 
are pointed out as either ** dangerous ** 
it it 

or crazy. 

q 

Men who give themselves the worst of it 
today usually expect to get the best of it 
tomorrow. 



Love is a terrific tax on Life. Do not crowd 
too much of it into a day or a week or a year. 



Knowing when to begin is important, but 
only the wise know when to stop. 



€ 



Virtue may be the result of opportunity- 
or rather the lack of it. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 81 



A SON would always be better off if he 
^ ^ could inherit more of the old man's 
brains and less of his money. 



n 



Theology can be put up in cans, but 
Common Sense has defied all efforts in that 
direction. 



Hell, high water and court injunctions hin- 
dereth not when a man is really in earnest. 



n 



Medicine is the main handicap that 
Nature has to overcome in curing the sick. 



To a lady fair: When perfume fails, try a 
bath. 



82 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



A KICK coming rapidly from behind is 
^ ^ sometimes more bracing than a sweet 
caress or a sympathetic sigh. 



Some Uttle trouble may come from on 
high, but most of it we ourselves make here 
below. 

To become a philosopher, read much, 
remember much and loaf much. 



The only religion that rings true is the 
religion you make for yourself. 



Classical music is a bit of melody sur- 
rounded by a lot of noise. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 83 



WHAT you learn in books never counts 
' for so much as what you learn by 
** being up against it.** 



If you think you can change values by 
changing labels, you will never rank with 
such thinkers as Darwin and Buckle. 



A genius is a man who does as he dam 
pleases, and is neither ashamed nor afraid. 



People who carry grouches under their 
vests are headed straight for Muldoon*s. 



Great events lie before the man who has 
an intellect and knows how to use it. 



84 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



THERE are few great men, simply because 
it takes a dense background of fools 
to set them off. 



The knowledge you get out of knocks is 
the knowledge that lifts you above the 
push. 

A brass band is really not needed in fixing 
your importance to the community. 



The corpse in the mausoleum is just as 
dead as the corpse in the trenches. 



Men who follow paths do not run up a 
high score. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 85 



¥"1 7HEN any man tells you he under- 
▼ ▼ stands woman, it is your privilege 
to clear the throat and close one eye. 



The man who is intent on his job generally 
figures, at the end of the season, among those 
who hit above .300. 



Great indeed is this truth : The surest way 
to injure yourself is to do injury to another. 



The worst form of dishonesty is being 
honest ** because it pays.** 



n 



Hurry all you please, so long as you take 
plenty of time about it. 



86 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



A DOCTOR becomes useful only when 
he discovers that he can accomplish 
more without medicine than with it. 



In going through Life you will find the 
cards stacked against you, but the beauty 
of it is that you know it. 



The size of a man's mouth does not indi- 
cate the size of his brain. 



I would rather make one new path than 
follow forty old ones. 



If you please the public, it will buy what 
you have to sell. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 87 



THE epigram is a sermon in a sentence, 
told quickly before the thought is lost 
in a maze of words. 



If you think you possess a value greater 
than the world recognizes, think again, for 
you are probably wrong. 



Eczema, fleas and love are equally irri- 
tating, and none of them can be hidden. 



^ 



The men who make history are men who 
start Something Big. 



^ 



Give me the man who works more than 
he talks. 



88 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

LOAFING kills men quicker than work- 
ing, and the undertaker scents a job the 
moment you ** retire from business.** 

^ 

Up to date neither the House nor the 
Senate has been able to change human 
nature by legal enactment. 



n 



The most deadly dull of all literature is 
one hundred per cent perfect in syntax. 



n 



Perspiration will get you to the destina- 
tion quicker than inspiration. 



Coarseness is never clever, and cleverness 
is never coarse. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 89 

BEFORE a judge renders a decision, a 
physician should examine him to see if 
he is suffering from indigestion. 

Do not select for your cashier a man whose 
first concern in the morning is tips on the 
afternoon's races. 



If you take all the advice offered, you will 
pass yourself going in opposite directions. 



Wall Street is the rendezvous of the lamb, 
the lobster and the loblolly. 



f 



Scars are worth all they cost, no matter 
how you got them. 



90 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



NATURE will pigeon-hole you at the first 
sign of laziness. The token that distin- 
guishes the living from the dead is work. 



Great riches do not necessarily imply 
theft, but somehow or other it often looks 
that way. 

The melody of music does not proceed 
from the bass drum. 



<i 



The more you believe, the less are you 
able to think. 



^ 



Size means little — much of the doughnut 
consists of hole. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 91 

THE highest morality is represented by 
those who work for a Uving and Uve on 
what they earn. 



You can not get half as much real infor- 
mation in a college as you can in an ofHce or 
a factory. 



We can all make a dollar go fast, even 
though we fail in making it go far. 



f 



Loud reports are not always made with 
gunpowder. Ask Bradstreet or Dun. 



<i 



Although all men are born free and equal, 
that condition ends at marriage. 



92 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

IT is sad to say, but true nevertheless, that 
men who think are largely outnumbered 
by men who don't. 



So long as what a man writes is under- 
stood by the average intellect, of what use 
is grammar? 



The real-estate agent is closely pressing 
Ananias for the record he so long has held. 



If you want to promote goods that every 
buyer will push along, try wheelbarrows. 



« 



God will judge you more by the little 
things you have done than by the big. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 93 

THE difference between Graft and Theft 
is as narrow as the difference between 
ten cents and a dime. 

Most things are all right until the high- 
brow begins to codify, classify and give 
them a college education. 

^ ■ 

What a mountain of gold there would be 
in hell if rich people could take it with them. 



^ 



A prize-fighter is often like a bottl< 
developed from the neck down. 



Saratoga does not begin to equal Wall 
Street as a watering-place. 



94 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

ORATORY is the art of making people 
think you know what you are talking 
about, whether you do or not. 

f 

The idea that you are respectable and the 
other fellow is n't may not be shared by your 
neighbors. 



A highbrow is always an employee — 
never an employer. Look this up and see. 



No physician can do so much for your 
health as you can do for yourself. 



Wait until the wind is from the East 
before you pray for rain. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 95 



LOVE that survives the combined odor of 
onions and beer is the only love that 
tests true under acid. 



^ 



The dilettante is classified in therapeutics 
among the emetics. Like ipecac, he produces 
nausea. 



Play with the cards held close up, and 
see to it that the deck is not ** cold.** 



Nothing is complex unless you make it 
so, women excepted. 



« 



Why not set more people to work and 
send fewer to jail? 



96 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



WATER is a good thing to put in the 
radiator, but a dam bad thing to put 
in the gas-tank. 

C 



Hell yawns for the vivisectionist, and all 
the draughts are opened wide when he 
arrives. 

Good health comes pretty near being 
nothing more than good digestion. 



C 



No card system so far introduced will put 
brains into a man's head. 



Deal from the top of the deck, and do not 
overplay your pile. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 97 



IF I were St. Peter, clean teeth would 
count as much as character in figuring up 



the averages. 



The world needs people who can carry big 
burdens and strike blows that leave deep 
dents. 



Ethics and precedents have set Progress 
back thousands of years. 



Final truth for everybody is as far away 
as lO-cent gasoline. 



q 



The only way to master a thing is to work 

at it. 



98 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



T 



'HINK more of the Here and the Now 
and less of the Hereafter — and it is you 
for a long life. 



Every moment that passes without your 
getting experience out of it is a moment 
wasted. 



An honest man can not help being honest, 
any more than a liar can help lying. 



n 



The supply of " suckers " has never 
exceeded the demand. 



The money-making reformer is always a 
cheat and a fraud. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 99 



WHEN you come to see that there is 
more in paying wages than in receiv- 
ing them, big indeed will be your vision. 



Men with big bellies hold the average 
true by having small brains. 



^ 



To take without giving an equivalent is 
dishonorable and wicked. 



To pay your debts is as beautiful as Faith, 
Hope and Charity. 



g 



It costs more money to get dyspepsia 
than to cure it. 



100 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

A GENTLEMAN is a man who can show 
a kindly interest when the women folks 
discuss recipes for prune-flip. 

Pay your debts, mind your own business, 
give folks a square deal, live one day at a 
time, and you have more than a fifty-fifty 
chance of reaching the Happy Land. 



The act of spitting on the hands is not 
copyrighted. Help yourself. 

^ 

Putting her name and address in a book 
is only postponing trouble. 

It is a great art to avoid being caught. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 101 

I AM sick and tired of the fashions — thor- 
oughly discouraged to see how, having 
descended from the anthropoidal ape, we 
are headed back to him again. 

There will be no more Michelangelos and 
Leonardos until the dollar and the dividend 
are no longer held out as Life's leading lure. 

Truth is a condition of mind — not a 
definable thing. 

The only good that comes from kicking 
is the exercise. 

You can not raise standards by raising hell. 



102 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



POLICEMEN are paid bigger salaries 
than school-teachers, thus indicating 
that we consider it more important to put 
folks in jail than to put knowledge into 
children's heads. 



If your eye sees no further than the pay- 
envelope Saturday night, you need not 
anticipate being elected President of the 
Company when next a vacancy occurs. 

Writers who get their inspiration out of 
cigarettes and booze seldom succeed in 
breaking any long-distance records. 

Heroes never wear plug hats. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 103 

BLOW off all denominational froth and 
foam, all theological piffle, all the musty- 
mumblings of the doctrinaires, and this one 
rule will get you into Paradise: Be on the 
level. 

More money is spent in this country for 
chewing-gum than for books, which seems 
to explain why so many more people exer- 
cise their jaws than their intellects. 



Somehow or other, taxes always go up, 
no matter who is elected. 

f 

Fame is never found at the end of a path. 
Do not belittle a fact — face it. 



104 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

LAWS regulate your birth, your schooling, 
your marriage, your business, your 
habits, your food, your drink, your medicine, 
your decline and your death. Be patient, and 
laws will yet regulate your haircut, the hang 
of your pants, and the mouth-wash you must 
use before you can kiss your wife and 
children. 



How fortunate that great beauty and a 
large brain capacity are rarely combined in 
the same woman! A combination like that 
is always dangerous and often irresistible. 



Success and greatness do not come in cans. 
Why dig up troubles that are dead? 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 105 



AMAN*S life is not to be judged or mea- 
sured by the money he piles up and 
leaves for his heirs and assigns to dissipate, 
but by the service he rendered his associates 
and the public. 



The man who is ** hard to see ** is always 
a prig and a pollywumpus. 



We all try to sell high and buy low — let 's 
admit it here and now. 



Everything should be just what it seems 
to be — but never will. 



If you want to reform something, begin 
with yourself. 



106 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 



ROCKEFELLER puts on the soft pedal 
when he annexes a hundred millions, 
while the newsboy yells like hell to make a 
cent. Noise is seldom a token of wisdom. 



^ 



The natural always rises superior to the 
artificial if you will be a bit patient and wait. 

Exercise your intellect more, and your 
tongue will have less to do. 



How little glory there is in a costly coffin ! 
Fashion makes monkeys of us all. 
None of us is any too good. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 107 

LANGUAGE reveals the fool, and lan- 
guage makes known the sage. 

CJ Language makes us think. 

C[ Language makes bad people good and 
good people bad. 

C[ Language separates husband from wife, 
and language brings lover and sweetheart 
together. 

C; With language the orator sways his 
audience from laughter to tears, from love 
to hate, from espousal to opposition. 

r Language is the weapon of the honest 
man and of the demagogue ; of the saint and 
of the hypocrite; of the benefactor and of 
the scoundrel. 

^. Language establishes superstition, and 
language sets the minds of men free. 



108 MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 

LANGUAGE makes war and peace, 
slaves and freemen, States and Empires. 

^ Language is the lure of love and the 
instrument of hatred. 

^ Language lays before us for a pittance all 
the wisdom and knowledge garnered from 
the intelligence of centuries dead and gone, 
and language tells us today what was 
accomplished yesterday. 

^ Language tumbles Governments, destroys 
nations and overturns political parties. 

C[ Language establishes and blasts reputa- 
tions, burnishes and blackens character, 
lauds and defames deeds. 

^ With language the mother croons her 
babe to sleep, and with language the leader 
transforms sane men into insane mobs. 



MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS 109 

LANGUAGE sets the innocent free and 
I s^nds the guilty to the gallows. 

C Language builds up mighty business enter- 
prises, and turns waste places into hives of 
industry. 

^ Language is used by the blasphemer, and 
language is used by the devout when they 
lift up their voices to God. 

C Language cheers us while we live, and 
language soothes us when Death beckons 
with his bony hand. 

^ Nearly every blessing and nearly every 
curse visited upon Mankind can be traced 
to this mighty force we know as Language. 



Cj You are what you are because of your use 
or misuse of words. 



THIS IS THE END OF " MOSES IN PARAGRAPHS," 
AS WRITTEN BY BERT MOSES AND PRINTED AT 
EAST AURORA BY ROYCROFTERS GOOD AND TRUE 
—ALL WITH COATS OFF AND SLEEVES ROLLED 
UP. NAUGHT HAS BEEN SET DOWN OR DONE IN 
MALICE, BUT THE GUIDING INSPIRATION HAS 
BEEN TO MAKE SOME PEOPLE THINK, OTHERS 
SMILE, AND STILL OTHERS LIFT AN EYEBROW. 
THE WHOLE COMPLETED EARLY IN THE YEAR 
NINETEEN HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN .■-•. ^ 



Additional copies of this book can be had by addressing the 
author at 576 Fifth Avenue, New York, not forgetting the 
price is one honest dollar, irrespective of the belief in some 
quarters that the price exceeds the value. 



iS,f «y OF 



° 078 348 



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